»»
Customer: Waiter! Waiter!! There's a fly in my soup..
Waiter: Don't worry Sir! The spider in your meal will get it..

»»
Doctor: I've "bad news" and "very bad news" for you.
Patient: Well, better let me have the bad news first..
Doctor: The laboratory sent me your test results... And...
...They said.. You've only 24 hours to live..
Patient: What?! 24 hours! That's terrible, doctor!
What could be even worse? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday...

• »»
Police: Where the hell are you going at midnight?
Drunkard: I'm going to listen to a lecture on ill effects of drinking.
Police: Who will give such a lecture at midnight, and where?
Drunkard: My wife... At my house....

• »»
One: Have u heard about the man who threw his wife into a pond of crocodiles?
Another: No! What happened?
One: He's now being harassed by the animal rights organization for being cruel to the crocodiles.

 »» Latest Research from Dr. Quacko::
Alcohol contains female hormones!
Abstract Proof: Men gain weight, talk unnecessarily, become extra emotional & stupid, start fighting without any reason...

•»»  A Girl telling about her engagement to her father, over the phone..(It's common nowadays, Isn't it?!)
Father: Does this fellow has any money?
Girl: Oh God! Dad, You men are all alike! That's exactly what he asked me about you!

•»»If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry! Just remove the battery from the clock and Enjoy life!

•»»
Husband: I have profited very much by marrying you!
Wife: Oh! How is that?
Husband: I have already paid for all my sins...

•»» True friends always stand behind you during your bad times. Don't believe it? Want a proof? Just check out your marriage album.. You will find that all your friends are standing behind you..

•»» Two friends met after a long time::
1st: I got married, because I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry & wearing shabby clothes.
2nd: Amazing!! I just got divorced for the very same reasons..

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• "Take a pencil and paper", said the teacher, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire'"
Everyone but Bhopu, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.
"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"
"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.
 
• Guide: I welcome u all to the Jog falls. The sound intensity of the waterfall is so high that the sound of supersonic planes passing can't b heard! Now may I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Jog Falls??

Man: I want a divorce. My wife hasn’t spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!